Damn. Now I know how Popeyeâs felt when it ran out of them sandwiches. Iâm here. Everything is okay. Youâre safe now. Letâs get to it.
Ooooooooooh baby! This episode has more white-lady tears than a sold-out screening of Little Women. This level of lacrimal intensity is unmatched and, quite honestly, fuels me. Alayah returning on the group date and then GETTING A ROSE is something I put on my The Bachelor vision board each season. I hope sheâs eliminated and returns every single episode and Peter must give her a rose like some SoCal Sisyphus while every single ladytestant watches. I would give everything I have for a mid-season reveal that this has been an experiment Ă la The Good Place, designed to torture former beauty-pageant winners and Instagram influencers. You could take my firstborn child if you told me that by the first international trip, Chris Harrison peeled off his skin to reveal that he was a lava monster sent to destroy girls with too many vowels in their names. One Eemeelieâs Bad Place is my Good Place.
Because, honestly, to every single woman on this season â this is precisely what you signed up for. Itâs a goddamned game show, and if you think the man you have about 55 days to get to propose to you canât be trusted, then go home. According to Alayah, you get to have your cell phone back. Any woman on season TWENTY-FOUR of this television program complaining that the women who have more time with the Bachelor have an advantage need to be shipped to an island where all they have to worry about is posting #sponcon. Plus, what kind of strategy is getting pissed with Peter? Kelsey bit the inside of her cheek so hard she tasted blood, and told Peter she saw Alayah coming back as a boon for their relationship, and she got the one-on-one-date rose. Natasha, Deandra, and Sydney are coming at Peter with a lot of energy and Iâm not here for it.
The episode starts with quite possibly the funniest announcement for a trip ever. Chris Harrison gathers the ladytestants and tells them theyâll be going to a city full of art, culture, and rock and roll. Thatâs right, Cleveland, Ohio. Yâall. I thought this was a bit and he was going to be like, âJK. Youâre going to Nashville.â Everyone sits completely still as if Chris Harrisonâs vision is based on movement and if he canât see them, they donât have to go.
But no, it really is time for a Cleveland Board of Tourismâapproved montage about Cleveland. Peter says heâs super excited to be in Cleveland because itâs where Superman came from and where Clark Kent was born. Um. Iâm fucking sorry, Peter. Superman was not âfromâ Cleveland. He was born on the planet Krypton and landed in Smallville. If you mean the creators of Superman, Siegel and Shuster, then yes, âSupermanâ âcameâ âfromâ âCleveland.â For their part, the ladytestants are walking around the city saying, âWow! I didnât expect Cleveland to be this nice.â I expected someone to say, âI thought the entire city was going to be on a large trash barge, but itâs actually livable! With a vibrant downtown!â
Itâs time for the first one-on-one date of the week and it goes to Victoria F. How does this woman keep any hydration in her body when she immediately cries it out? Sheâs terrified that Peter is going to make her skydive and hyperventilates in the SUV as she drives on the tarmac. Peterâs go-to move is to take a woman up in an airplane, and I canât be mad at it. While I was single, my go-to move was to invite someone to my improv show.
On Victoria F. and Peterâs date there are two things to talk about. First, Victoria F. toasts that their sons are going to have a hot mom and a successful dad. I mean. Wow. So thatâs all Victoria F. sees herself bringing to the child-rearing equation. The role of the mother is to be hot and the role of the father is to be successful. Then Peter asks if Victoria F. âwants sons.â What in the fresh feudal hell is this? This is fucking terrifying. Up until now, Peter hasnât really exhibited any backward views and tends to support the idea that women are people, but âDo you want sons?â My sweet serfdom. Get me out of here. Also, Peter says he wants four kids (with no concern for the fact that his wife will have to push four humans out of her body and spend, like, five years of her life pregnant or recovering from pregnancy) because if they have three kids, one would have to sit alone on all the roller coasters theyâd ride on as a family. This feels like a bad âAm I the Asshole?â post on Reddit. âAITA if I want my wife to have four children so that I donât have to sit by myself on the Magnum XL-200?â
However, the most notable thing on their one-on-one date is that Chase Rice, alleged country star and former NASCAR pit-crew member, used to date Victoria F. This is delicious. Can you imagine how thrilled ABC was when it realized it could kill two birds with one terrible country song? It could satisfy whatever record-label obligations it has and make Victoria F. so uncomfortable, sheâd turn into a human tear. When Peter gleefully said, âMaybe weâll dance to a Chase Rice song at our wedding,â the entire production crew had one shared hive-mind orgasm.
The big question is, what was Victoria F. so worried about? If she dated Survivor: Nicaragua contestant Chase Rice, and their breakup was before she came on the show and she no longer has feelings for him, what is the problem? Sheâs an adult human woman. Thereâs got to be something more there, because that was quite the reaction over just the presence of her boyfriend. I think that Victoria F. is concerned that someone will accuse her of what theyâre all accusing Alayah of being: there for the wrong reasons.
So Victoria F. sits down with Peter on the evening portion of the date and tells him that she dated Chase Rice and she broke up with him because she didnât feel anything for him. Peter just keeps repeating, âWait, what? The guy from earlier? Wait? The singer? Wait. What?!â and all Victoria F. can muster is âMmhmm.â She rushes off because sheâs so worried that Peter would run away from her and sheâd ruin the moment.
Victoria F. is a master at using her tears to get a boy to like her. She pouts, sheds one artful tear, and says that itâs so embarrassing for her to even be alive and she hopes she doesnât drive Peter away. And of course, Peter runs right to her. Itâs beautiful and something only a woman capable of snagging the co-writer of Florida Georgia Lineâs âCruiseâ could pull off. She gets the rose.
Itâs time for the group date and everyone except Kelsey is going. The women are all concerned that theyâre not going to have enough time with Peter because there are 13 of them on the date. These liâl dummies have no idea what is about to happen. They head to the Cleveland Brownsâ stadium for a football game.
Um âŠ theyâre really tackling each other. We all know about, like âŠ concussions and shit, right? Netflix is making one new documentary a week about a sport where peopleâs heads are being thrown against other peopleâs heads. Plus, with this and the pillow fight last week, does Peter love seeing women throw their bodies on one another? Because if he does âŠ twisted. Victoria P. says that she has a back injury and she doesnât want to make it worse. Do we know about this back injury? Because this is a great ploy from a woman saying she hates to see Peter get manipulated.
The winning team gets to have a cocktail party with Peter, and of course, the two teams tie. Everyone is pissed. Man. This episode is crushing it. When itâs time for the cocktail party, half of the women agree that Shiann should get to steal Peter first because she was the game MVP. Victoria P. will have no part of that and steals him away first. Everyone gets mad as if thatâs not the exact way to play this game. Hey, if youâre a person who likes to take things slow and let your partner come to you, maybe The Bachelor isnât the place for you.
But thatâs not the only completely unacceptable thing because this is when Alayah returns. I was that GIF of Sheree deviously laughing. Alayah had time on Google and wants to clear her name. She says that not only does she know Victoria P., but they took a trip to Vegas together. This admission is followed by an ad for Vegas featuring its new city slogan: âVegas: For Trips Youâd Rather Not Admit To.â
All of the other ladytestants are freaking the fuck out and Peter has no idea what to do. He keeps saying that thereâs no reason for Victoria P. to lie to him. Yes, there is, and you just didnât see it because you want to bang her. You believe anyone is trustworthy before you bang them. Victoria P. launches into another masterful weeping session and says, âMy truth is the truth.â My God, sheâs putting in WORK.
Peter stares into a shark tank and ultimately asks Alayah if she wants to come back to the season. Alayah acts completely stunned that something like this would happen. She was only passing through Cleveland and had no intention of staying. She gets the group-date rose and you can see Natashaâs head spin a full 360 degrees. Alayah also takes time to tell her gals that Victoria F. dated Chase Rice and the internet knows all. Considering what other pieces of gossip are on the internet about Victoria and the weird âWhite Lives Matterâ modeling sheâs done, I am really excited for this feud to continue.
Then Peter goes on a date with Kelsey and it could not be a more standard âwalking around the cityâ date. They dance the polka and eat pierogi like they are exotic delights from another country. Kelsey, youâre from Iowa, and Iâve spent enough time in Iowa to say you should know what a liâl potato dumpling is. Kelsey also claims that Peter is passionate about dancing the polka in town squares. For the night portion of their date, Peter puts on a Love Actuallyâesque turtleneck sweater. This solves it. I was wondering exactly what type of hot Peter is and heâs Love Actually hot. Heâs British interconnected-love-story-rom-com hot. You donât need abs because youâve got a kind face and youâre willing to raise your neighborâs clumsy son when his mum gets mistakenly arrested as an ecoterrorist. Kelseyâs story is that she found out her dad was leaving her mom before her mom did and as a result, sheâs built up a tough exterior. Peter talks about his grandmother and mom emigrating from Cuba in really vague terms and honestly, this would be a really interesting thing to hear Peter talk about. Itâs unclear how much Peter, or even the show, is willing to discuss his heritage, but it would let us get to know him as his own person rather than as a footnote to Hannah Brownâs season and a windmill sex machine. She gets the rose.
Itâs time for the cocktail party and everyone is ready to barge in there telling Peter that he fucked up. Before that, Victoria confronts Alayah, sayingÂ that she had no right telling everyone about Chase Rice, and Alayah says she didnât tell everyone âŠ just a few people. Sheâs a stone-cold bitch and I love her. In this interaction, Victoria F. calls Alayah manipulative and fake and says sheâs going to tell Peter all about Alayah. The whiplash between Victoria F.âs weepy personality with Peter and this enraged vibe with Alayah is STARK.
At the cocktail party, Peter takes Victoria P. aside first and she flips out on him. âI donât want to talk to you right now. We can talk right now. No. Iâm too frustrated. I donât want to talk right now.â Maybe she knows that sheâs only got about 15 more minutes of fabrication left in her and she canât be alone with Peter or else this whole thing unravels. She says that she feels like Peter doesnât trust her and she would NEVER speak out against another woman. Except if that woman is manipulative, but thatâs not her story to tell.
When they get back to the party, every woman who takes Peter aside tells him how disappointed and frustrated they are because they suffered major bodily injury and he bent the rules of the dating reality show theyâre on. These women need a little perspective. Alayah canât figure out why everyone is against her and she turns on the waterworks with Peter. Peter just wanders the grounds of this Ohio manor while the women all accuse each other of being liars. I mean â all the women who donât like that Alayah is there could just go home and not continue to be on national television. I wonder how many will do that âŠ